


still standing

by tkreyesevandiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: COVID-19, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Episode Related, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Pandemics, Post-Episode: s04e02 Alone Together, Pre-Relationship, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz
Summary: Eddie doesn’t think any of them are going to come out of this the same as they were when they were unceremoniously shoved in.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 31
Kudos: 202





	still standing

**Author's Note:**

> Hehe have 2000 words of Eddie caring about Buck. I wrote this in an hour and it's probably got a bunch of mistakes, but I hope y'all like it <3
> 
> Warnings: this is set post-4x02 but before 4x03. This whole fic basically focuses on the pandemic, so if that's not your thing, don't read it.

Something’s different about Buck.

That’s an arbitrary sentence in itself, given that the past seven months have shown them that all of them have been knocked off-kilter, ripping up the roots of their lives in order to serve and respond to those who need it. None of them are the same people they were at May's graduation party, and Buck’s no exception to the rule.

Still, Eddie keeps a close eye on him, watching as his best friend rummages through his locker.

The first hint was that Buck isn’t as quick to laughter anymore. Before, Eddie could've sworn that he could hear the echo of his ringing laughter pretty much everywhere he went, because it's a sound that stays with him given the time they spend together. That’s not to say that Buck has stopped laughing altogether; it’s a minute observation brought forth by the absence of most of it.

If Eddie’s honest, he can’t blame him. Every single one of them have watched the world crumble to this virus, the world flipping on its axis as it went into lockdown after lockdown. Some days, Eddie feels he’s hanging on the edge with two fingers to hold himself up, not knowing how — nor actually wanting to — get to a place where he can watch this much death on a daily basis.

Every time he takes in the skyrocketing death tolls, the zero space in hospitals, Eddie’s stomach lurches and spins, and if he’s eaten anything that day, it threatens to come straight back up. His heart pounds in his chest every time he sees Hen and Chim come back to the station, defeated from being turned away from hospitals long enough that they lose patients. 

One would’ve thought that it was a freak occurrence, but after the tenth time, no one was under any illusion that this would be over any time soon. He’s never seen horrors like these, watching everyone shift their regular lives into chaotic mayhem in order to stay alive.

There’s an anger to this too. Eddie’s watched more people _not_ take precautions than take them, more than he’d thought he’d ever see during a pandemic. He’s watched people selfishly throw parties, has carted out students stuck in precarious positions. He’s watched people monopolize COVID tests so they can be “safe” while seeing their friends, he's seen celebrities play performative activists while still taking annual vacations, proclaiming themselves with one negative test. He thinks that they’re trying to absolve themselves of guilt if they do end up exposing others, but after the fourth month of the same bullshit with no turn, he’s simply given up on people.

He goes to work, does his job, and goes back home. That’s all he _can_ do.

So no, Eddie doesn’t blame Buck for not being able to muster the energy for free laughter. Still, there are events that pull the sound from him anyway — updates on Maddie’s pregnancy, hearing about May at the dispatch center, Michael regaling them with horror stories from online school (some of which Eddie can attest to himself). 

Those things come up in conversation and Eddie sees the crinkles at the corners of Buck’s eyes that he loves so much, and something restless under his skin settles every time.

His worry never dissipates though.

It’d taken no time at all for Eddie and Hen to make the decision to stay away from their families, especially the kids. They’d immediately started looking for housing accommodations while Bobby was uprooting their schedules to make sure that no crew was on for longer than 12 hours at a time. Nearby colleges had been offering designated dorms to first responders, nurses and doctors who couldn’t go back to their families, and that had looked like a great option.

Athena had coerced Hen into staying with her and Bobby almost immediately, fixing the paramedic with a look as the first protest took the floor. Chim had had the obvious choice of going to Buck’s place, given that they’d already roomed together once. Eddie hadn't been sure of where to go, so when Buck snatched his phone away one evening, declaring that he was coming along too, he’d been aptly surprised.

He wasn’t a stranger to staying overnight at Buck’s place, but it’d always been two adults and one kid. Eddie had been skeptical about how they were going to cram all three of them in his loft for the near future, but when Buck waved off the concern, he'd decided to just trust him.

Chim commandeered the couch, tired enough to knock out almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. Eddie crashed with Buck upstairs, the illusion of privacy making it easier to take a breath and let the horrors of the day go. Seeing Buck sleeping peacefully loosened one of the tight bands of fear Eddie felt every time he watched his friends plunge straight in the mouth of danger.

In many ways, this virus was a wildfire.

They’d made it two days before the stress of everything, plus going home to the same faces, cracked their resolves. Suddenly there were snappish comments, everyone stepping on each other’s toes, and an all-round irritability that Eddie had never associated with Buck’s apartment. 

It wasn’t like any of them at all, and parts of Eddie had thought that he was watching someone else talk in his voice, each annoyed comment being pulled from a place he thought he’d worked past.

It’d taken another two days for them to realize that it was beyond pointless to argue with each other. There’d been sheepish apologies between the three of them, standing right in the middle of the loft, and tired laughs for how stupid they were being. 

Buck had dragged the whiteboard Christopher used out from its drawer and drew a chore chart with schedules of food plans and when to do what. They kept their after-shift showering to the station, since Buck’s loft only had two bathrooms, and soon enough, they’d managed to find ways to live three separate lives in one huge room.

Including reaching back to their families, and giving each other privacy while they did so. 

Eddie’s hands had trembled every time he took hold of the iPad with his son’s grinning face on it, hot tears pressing at the back of his eyelids. It was the exact same thing he’d done during his deployment, only made a thousand times worse by being in the same city and not being able to reach out at all.

Christopher, and Eddie’s never been ashamed to admit this, is a lot stronger than he’s ever been. The kid took every single situation Eddie presented while he was away, no matter how reluctantly, and turned them into new opportunities for them to learn. 

It wasn’t that Chris didn’t miss him; as joyful and optimistic as his kid is, Eddie’s still his father. He'd recognized the sadness that pinched his features every time Eddie had to push his return back by a couple more days at a time, had felt the helplessness tighten at his wrists. 

Still, Christopher takes things in his stride without letting them trip him up permanently, and Eddie thinks he could do with learning that from his son.

Buck had almost never been with him when he talked to Christopher, finding a way to make himself scarce when Eddie took a chair on the upstairs balcony. Every phone call ended up with both of them sitting across from each other anyway, and Eddie had brought it up once, too. It didn’t make sense to have to stick his head back through the door to yell for Buck every time. 

Buck had simply told him that it was his time with Chris, and that he was happy showing up at the end to drop his hellos. 

It wasn’t until he’d hung up and Buck went back inside that Eddie had let any of the tears fall, praying with everything in him that this pandemic would finally end.

They’d managed to at least keep their movie nights. Abuela would set Christopher up, Buck would pull out his laptop and they’d all watch the same movie, trying to keep some semblance of normal in a world that was never going to be “normal” again. 

Eddie doesn’t think any of them are going to come out of this the same as they were when they were unceremoniously shoved in. Even if there's hope with the vaccinations, they're still what feels like eons away from going into a world without mask mandates and social distancing protocols.

At night, when the day was finally over, they'd share things they hadn't known about each other, trying to fill a little bit of the time between them. Eddie had shared some of the stories from when he and his sisters were younger, and Buck had shared his excitement and trepidations over being an uncle.

When Eddie finally felt like it was safe enough to go back, he’d pulled Buck aside and made him promise that if he needed to escape his own loft, he could come over to the Diaz household. He’d agreed, but Eddie had known that Buck would never do it out of fear for Chris. Still, he’d accepted the sentiment.

They’d both pretended to not notice the tightness around each other’s mouths as Eddie left, terrified of yet another change. Eddie had been torn between keeping Buck close, where he could reach out and find him safe, and doing the same for Chris, but ultimately, Chris came first for both of them. There was only so much he could depend on his grandmother and aunt for.

The next thing that tipped him off was that Buck began spending most of what little downtime they had at the station withdrawn, either losing himself to a good workout, or idly sipping a cup of coffee in whatever private corner he could find. Those days, Eddie keeps one eye on whatever task he’s doing to keep himself busy, and one on Buck — much like he is right now.

The third thing Eddie noticed was the pensive look that always seems to take over Buck’s expression when he thinks no one’s looking. The first time he’d seen the mask fall away, his heart had splintered, and for a minute, he wondered if he even knew his best friend at all. He’s never known Buck to be anything less than genuine, but he also knows that Buck could hide things more deeply than anyone gave him credit for.

Still, everyone’s entitled to keep things to themselves, and Eddie chants this quietly to himself as he thinks about it, watching Buck’s tight expression as he bends to tie his shoelaces.

He finishes taking inventory, zips the bag up and stuffs it back into its proper compartment. Shutting the door with his hip, he joins Buck in the locker room, taking a seat next to him on the bench.

They don’t say anything. Eddie knows Buck’s not ready to talk about whatever’s plaguing him, and he’s not going to put a rush order on him. The man will open up in his own time, but for now, Eddie can offer his company.

Buck shifts closer, pressing their shoulders closer together as he turns a genuine smile in Eddie’s direction that takes his breath away. There’s the familiar impish spark, the crinkles framing his eyes, and the roguish upturn of his lips.

“Hey.”

Eddie can’t help the laugh that startles out of him, only making Buck’s smile wider. “Hi, Buck.” 

He reaches forward, tapping a finger twice on Buck’s knee. “You doing okay?”

For a minute, he sees a lie flitter across his partner's expression, too quick to be anything but pure instinct. Eddie waits patiently for Buck to find the words, internally upset on his behalf that Buck's knee-jerk reaction _was_ to lie.

“I’m still working through something,” he confesses finally. There’s a quiet pride in his eyes as he says it, one that makes Eddie more hopeful that whatever it is that has Buck deep in thought is not something that makes him insecure. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but I will be.”

The answer is honest and satisfies Eddie’s need to check-in with his partner. “Okay. I’m here when you’re ready, if you want.”

“I know.” Buck shakes his head like Eddie’s said something silly, but claps him on the shoulder. “Same goes for you, Eddie.”

“Well, we’ve got a twenty-hour trip to Texas next week that we need to fill, anyway,” Eddie teases lightly, a warm glow settling in the base of his stomach as Buck’s laughter fills the space between them.

“I bet we could think of some things.”

With that, the alarm screeches above them. They immediately jump to their feet, ready to take on the next call.

This time, as he and Buck exchange a familiar look from the back of the truck, Eddie feels more confident that the difference he can sense in his friend isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

The world might be breaking to pieces around them, but they’re still standing.

He repeats this in his head like a mantra.

They're still standing.

_Still standing._

**Author's Note:**

> We're still standing, and we're okay.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at [zeethebooknerd](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zeethebooknerd) or on Twitter at [tkreyesevandiaz](https://twitter.com/tkreyesevandiaz).


End file.
